Heartbroken in Galveston

UTMB-Galveston

This year we had a great idea.  Megan thinks it was her idea, but, c'mon.

We figured that it would be fun to hang out at some exotic location with all of our kids and various other family members instead of giving Christmas gifts.  We were right about that.

We chose Galveston for the happening.  Actually, we chose Crystal Beach, and the house was great, the food was scrump-dilly-ishous, and the fellowship was superlative.  It's a pretty great group of people.

We arrived on a Thursday night and planned to leave Sunday morning.  Which we did.

As an added bonus, Sunday, March 3rd was our wedding anniversary.  Yep.  One year of wedded bliss.  Meg told me that she didn't want to do anything very exciting to celebrate this year, but I had a big surprise for her!  It was such a big, exciting surprise that even I didn't know about it.

Sunday morning happened to be my day to cook breakfast, so I rose early and began cooking up a simple, light breakfast of biscuits, sausage, white gravy, and eggs.  Just what the doctor (Kevorkian) ordered.

My Boy Gage

As fate would have it, while I was cooking, I felt the hammer thud of a heart attack.  I was pissed because I knew it would ruin my day.  I wouldn't even get to eat breakfast.

On a positive note, however, I had already tasted the gravy and it wasn't all that good, so I wasn't missing much there.

Next thing I knew, I was wringing wet with sweat, pale as Casper, short of breath, and I felt like Thor was having his way in my chest.  He's a jerk.

As I was being loaded on the ambulance, I looked over the crowd of my loved ones and I was sorry that I was putting them through this.

It didn't seem fair that they were so sad while I was looking forward to an exciting ride on an ambulance that was going to cross the bay on the ferry.

While I was happily bouncing along in the ambulance, Megan was racing behind us in the truck.  Somehow, her version of the whole thing isn't as carefree as mine because she thought the bouncing looked a lot like CPR.  She's a party-pooper.

In short order, I was whisked through the emergency room to the intensive care unit.  My nurse was cute.  Her name was Carlee.

In addition to Carlee, there were all manner of cute nurses who were busy like bees as I lay there in my fancy bed and backless gown.  There were beepers and buzzers and electrical cords and IV tubes going all whichaway.

Megan is still bitter that, while she was buying anniversary gifts in the hospital gift shop, I was getting a spongebath from a bunch of cuties.

And I quote, "And I didn't even get to watch!"

Leave it to her to put a negative spin on an otherwise great afternoon, but I think she was just jealous.

My Echo (Gender Reveal Pending)

And Carlee kept asking me questions.  Lots of questions.

Nowadays, apparently, hospitals are pretty concerned about our safety at home, so Carlee asked me if was getting enough food at home.  Uh, duh... I'm a fat guy in an ICU having a heart attack while on vacation... What's your best guess, sweetie?

Then she asked me if was being abused at home.  Keep in mind that I'd had a bucket of morphine by this point, before you judge me for saying, "If there's any abuse going on in my house, I'm the one doing it."

Thinking back on it, I'm glad that she didn't call the cops on me then and there.  Thankfully, I don't think she believed me.

The real kicker question, though, was this, "Have you been touched inappropriately?"

In a singsong voice, I immediately replied, "Not yeeeeet!"

The Ferry Ride Home

What can I say?  I'm an eternal optimist.

In case you're wondering, I've still not been touched inappropriately, but I'm not dead yet, right?

A few minutes later, I was taken to the cath lab where an otherwise polite doctor stuck a giant straw in my groin and passed a long tube into my heart where he shot a bunch of dye into my coronary arteries.  He saw that one of my main arteries was completely clotted.  He sucked the clot out and put a stent in the artery and my chest pain went away!  Glory be.

All-in-all, it was a pretty good time.

After spending two boring days in the hospital, they finally sprung me and we got to drive home.  I was plenty glad of that.

On the way through Lake Charles, we stopped at Steamboat Bill's and I had some Alaskan King Crab.  It was very yummy, and it was carb and red meat free, so shut up.

Never one to pass up an opportunity to give advice, I shall now do so:

Steamboat Bill's

1. When you're making white gravy, include some of the sausage.  It'll make it taste better.

2. Ambulance rides are fun.  Ferry rides are fun.  Riding in an ambulance while on a ferry is awesome.  The two events are synergistic.  If you ever get a chance, you should do it.  I'd recommend avoiding near death to do so, although, come to think of it, it did add to the excitement, so I guess you should make that decision for yourself.

3. Steamboat Bill's, in Lake Charles, Louisiana, is a terrific place to have one's first real meal following a heart attack.  I highly recommend it.

4. Sponge baths and cute nurses go together like peas and carrots, although your wife might not be too crazy about it.

5. If you ever get sick anywhere around Galveston, TX, go to UTMB-Galveston.  It's a great hospital with an amazing staff.  Even though they're Longhorn fans, I found that I wasn't able to hold that against them while they were saving my life.

I feel better now, though, and my Tigers are set to play the Horns this fall, so it's politics as usual now.

6. It's good to be alive.  Appreciate it.

The Curmudgeon