Talk to Me

Overreach

I'm so tired of hearing that everything is racist.  That everything is sexist.  It seems that the order of the day is to be extreme in all thought.  Politically, we're either very right or very left.  There's not much common ground to be had lately.  Racially, we're either black, brown, red, white, or yellow. 

Again, not much room for common ground.

I love to listen to those with opposing points of view because sometimes I can learn something.

So, I listen.  I have to tell you, though, what I hear on the national news from people of color and from women isn't always constructive.  I see much less of them trying to fix things and much more of why I'm to blame for all of the evil in the world.

Not helpful.  Not good.

I have a much different idea in mind.  How about this for an approach... Maybe we can talk with each other as humans first and genders, races, sex practices, political parties, and religions a distant second?

Now there's an idea.

Here's another idea... Let's stop trying to make every cultural norm a racial (or sexist, etc) offense.

Jingle All the Way...

This week there is a cadre of articles about Jingle Bells being racist.  Anyone who seriously thinks that the average white guy is thinking about white supremacy while he sings Jingle Bells, is dangerously deranged.

Overreach is everywhere.

Brrrr... It's Cold in the New Millenium

Or, how about the classic song "Baby It's Cold Outside?"  I've always loved this duet.  The harmonies are just wonderful.  That's what attracted me to it in the first place.  Then, I listened to the lyrics.  It's just so real.  The guy is pressing for the girl to stay.  The girl is giving the excuses about why she shouldn't.  However, notice one thing: She doesn't leave.  Why?  Because this is the dance of enticement that men and women do when there's attraction.  It's a story as old as male-ness and female-ness.  And it's simply a wonderful part of what it means to be a human.

If you listen to this song and aren't reminded of what it means to be a woman or a man, then you have allowed political correctness to neuter you.

For the man's part, he's suggesting that she stay.  He's interested in her.  He's pursuing her.  To him, she is appealing.  She's feminine, she's pretty, she's interesting.  And he's letting her know.

She, on the other hand, is being pursued.  She took time to fix herself up for her date.  She didn't bathe, groom, and dress to be unappealing, did she?  No, she dressed to be appealing.  To create desire.  To be pursued. 

Please, don't make the word pursued into something bad here.  I'm not talking about stalking or being creepy.  I'm talking about the normal interaction between a man and a woman. 

If you are one of the women who says that she doesn't want to be pursued, then you're a liar.

If you're a guy who says that he doesn't want to pursue a beautiful lady, then you're lying also.

These are things that are embedded in our gender makeup. 

To make this into something else is just sick and perverted.

Of course, she shouldn't be forced.  She shouldn't be raped.  To suggest that this song is somehow a prelude to rape is disgusting.

And the woman shouldn't be offended that her charms worked.  Getting him to be interested in her was the whole idea.  She should be offended if he proceeds without permission.  The suggestion that "she asked for it" in any case of rape is nauseating.  But the suggestion that she desired pursuit as she dressed for the evening is accurate and lovely.  The beauty of a woman overshadows any of nature's other works.

Making a race or a gender (or any other category of humanity) a villain is not the path towards harmony.

In addition to being disharmonious, overreaching diminishes real issues.  Instead of driving the point home, overreaching causes fatigue.  It also calls into question the rationality of those who voice such views thereby reducing their ability to successfully promote their agenda.

There is a better way...

Having a Conversation

I love it when a person of color confides some tidbit of what their life is like vis-a-vis their race.  It's always so refreshing and illuminating.  Sometimes it's a happy memory, sometimes it's a sad event.  But it's always helpful to me to have a look at the world through their window.

Last year, a (female, black) co-worker described to me how her boyfriend was always afraid when he saw a police car.  She also told me that she wasn't raised to be afraid of the police and she'd never been treated badly by an officer. 

She told me enough of the background to make it interesting and to make it all make sense.  I genuinely appreciated her candor.  She wasn't mad as she talked; she was just matter-of-factly telling me a story.

Sometimes I read a poignant story.  One not told in anger, but told in truth and vulnerability.

You may be aware of the eenie-meenie-miney-moe controversy.  It's another "racist song."  But this time, there's more to it than most of the other stupid claims that I hear about.

Do you think it's "catch a tiger by the toe"?

Well, I can attest that it didn't start out that way.  The first way I ever heard it in the late sixties was "catch a n***** by his toe."

As a white guy, it never affected me one way or the other.  After all, I was white, right?  (I was six years old, gimme a break.)  Early in my childhood, "tiger" was accepted as the normal way to say the rhyme, and I never thought much more about it.

Then, today, I read an article recounting the moment when a little black girl, in the presence of her white friends, learned that "tiger" wasn't the word that they were using.

I read that story and thought about how I would feel if I were in her shoes.  I didn't like the feeling that I was having.  I'm genuinely sorry that she had to experience that.

A story like that helps me to imagine how it might feel to see the world through a different window.

I've recently been watching a documentary by Ken Burns.  It's about World War II.  As always with his documentaries, it's beyond excellent.

In the series, he addresses two racial topics.  One is the plight of black soldiers, the other is Japanese-American internment.

As a white guy, I've more-or-less taken these histories as unfortunate facts of history.  But Burns chooses to let the people involved tell their story.  It's quite moving.



Japanese Internment Camp

I imagined myself as a young Japanese-American living happily in California.  Born in the USA.  Steeped in patriotism and love of my country.  Listening to the pop music of the day.  Dressing like all of the other students in my high school.  Speaking English and not understanding Japanese.

Then, I imagined being taken from my home and my school.  Leaving all of my belongings behind.  Being classified as an enemy of the state that I loved.  Kept in the desert.

Hearing these men and women tell their story was riveting.  They were kind as they told their tale.  Much kinder that I would have been.  I thank them for sharing a look at an America that I'll never see.

Then there's the tale of the black soldier.  When the war started, the armed services were segregated.  Talent was ignored if it resided in a black man.  Of course, the black/white story is much too involved to do justice in this post, but I can say this: I was exposed to another layer of what it must have felt like to be thought of as a second class citizen in America.

Interestingly, none of the story-tellers was mean-spirited as they told their tale.  I have a feeling that I would have been far more outspoken, even angry, if I was in their shoes.  They helped me understand a little bit more of life not only by sharing their story, but also in the way the story was shared.

I've noticed that I'm not as likely to listen to someone pointing their fingers at me and blaming me for something that I had nothing to do with.  The corollary to that is that others aren't likely to listen to me if I do the same.

I've also noticed that, by listening with genuine interest, others are likely to allow me to express myself.  Being heard is usually a right that we must earn. 

The price is listening. 

Isn't that just like a selfish human to think of listening as paying a price?

We tend to be so self-centered that it's just embarrassing.

As soon as we abandon the idea that listening is something that costs us and admit that listening is actually the payoff, the better off we'll be.  I'm certain that I've learned more by listening than I've ever taught by speaking.

Talk to me,

TheCurmudgeon